12 Years Sober — Today
12 years ago today I walked into the rooms of AA. It saved my life. It can save yours.
Back then, many people in my world had no clue I had a problem. I was one of those who didn’t get crazy. I could drive you home and make sure you were safe with 3 times as much drink in me as in you. I had done great things (see my bio) I had led a “life.” I sometimes refer to the movie “Swingers” with Vince Vaughan for an image of those times. The film is like a biographical snapshot of my world in 1990s Los Angeles/Hollywood — almost literally — as in I went to the same clubs and parties. I flew fast, I flew high (like helping start the space movement high, or leading the commercial take over of the Russian Space Station Mir high.)
Then, as they say in AA: “The wings began to come off.”
For a year I tumbled down. Snapshots include a car chase down Miami’s I-95 into Coral Gables with a half dozen cop cars in pursuit (not of me, but the guy trying to run my lady friend and I off the road.) Funny enough, even that didn’t send me into the rooms. It took 6 months more of insanity and insane behavior. Smart guys learn slow.
I had my first black outs in those last months. That scared me. On March 22nd I had one of those. I called one of my best friends, my running buddy from the LA party days who had checked in 3 months before me. He drove me to a meeting 12 years ago today in Studio City. I recall the people were smiling too much. I started to use that as a reason to leave. Too churchy. Then the guy giving out books at the end finished his pitch with a tatooed fist in the air and “Hail Satan!” Everyone laughed. Really? They let that guy in here? Ok. I’ll give it a try. I have Never Looked Back. I thank God for my friend who drove me in, for my recovery buddies and amazing sponsor, and yeah, that Satan dude. he made it ok to have questions. Also, I thank the rooms in Studio City and NoHo. Movie stars, writers, ex-cons, mothers and fathers. The love in those places is indescribable.
NOTE — For those who may be athiests or agnostic. Get over it. The rooms and meetings where I sat were full of people of all beliefs and none at all. One does not judge the hand that pulls you out of the water when you’re drowning. Just take the freakin’ hand. You can judge it when you dry off.
It is the so called very smart people who can get themselves most deeply into the dark waters. Our internal rationalizations and arguments are so Damn Good. Just remember, it was your mind that was driving when you crashed. It may not be the best judge of how to get out on its own.
I was too proud. That was the tough part for me. I knew I would outsmart and out rationalize myself. I knew I had to push myself heavily into the program to make it. AA folks talk about doing 90 meetings in 90 days. Although I had lost my car by then, I walked and eventually bicycled to over 300 meetings in 3 months. I “fired” my first sponsor as being too tough. The next guy was tougher. From Boston. Hard core. “Get over yourself Ricky. You’re lyin’ to me and yourself. Stop with the BS.” I tried. I came to realize he loved me. The kind of love one shows when ones gives it all to help someone else. I loved him. It eventually took.
I am no longer in a war with myself or my alcoholism. I am simply a person who doesn’t drink anymore. I am redefined. Recast. Re-imagined. I now can go to bars and be around folks who drink without any issue at all. (Although it’s interesting to watch others get drunk — and wonder why they do it). I have liquor in my cabinet for guests (after Covid…lol). I am no longer fighting that dragon. It is simply gone from my world. It has been banished — But Not Destroyed. Thus I am not complacent either. My vigil must be strong and always fully engaged.
Now I live life fully alive. I am relevant in my cause and life. I have a successful Venture Capital company. I am healthier than I was when I got sober. I have amazing friends, incredible networks, an incredible daughter, and a life not just seen through a clear lens, but lived with clarity. I lost my mum, had business disasters, and many other challenges since that day. Now I walk through them. I do not cower — even though it sometimes sucks.
If you, anyone who reads this, need help or to talk I am here. If I can’t help I will guide you to those who can. Or simply walk into a room. (They have virtual versions now.) And this is important.
Your smart ass brain is the brilliant enemy within looking for reasons to not change. It will tell you that you have got this. Or that meetings suck and you need some sort of other more scientific or surefire way to assure your status as a drunk stays quo. Stay on it. Try another meeting. They are all different. Primarily, be Open to the Possibility that is you, and that the universe loves you enough to work with you — when you work with and on yourself.
Our society says asking for help is a sign of weakness. Nothing could be further from the truth. It is a sign of strength. Be strong. Surrender, and you will succeed.
With love,
R
PS — AA worked for me. I am not saying other paths do not work. Just that you do not use them to game yourself. Your deliverance may indeed come in another form.
(Note AA is about anonymity — and I protect that of my AA brothers and sisters — but I reserve the right to make my own choice about my journey, and for me the best way to be of service is to acknowledge that journey so it might help others.)
